There is so much I want to share, and I’ve often thought i don’t have the time, but what I am realizing is that it has nothing to do with time, in the same way losing weight has nothing to do with diet. Yes, it as everything to with time and then again it has nothing to do with it. Just the way the losing weight has nothing to do with what we eat and yet can have everything to do with it.
Ok, I am writing myself into a circle here, it makes so much sense in my head, let me see if I can translate that to the page.
When I released 85 lb, I initially stopped dieting and going to the gym, and I released 25 lb in 40 days. Oh and I ate more than I usually did. I just ate different things, the amount I ate, actually increased as I lost weight, but the types of food changed, so you see in one way it didn’t have anything to do with the amount of food, often the first thing cut on any diet after all the fun stuff is portion size, but had everything to do with what those portions were made up of.
This may not be news to you, but it was to me! It was a “Oh my effing G*d, why did I not this before” moment. So much made sense. All the diets that didn’t work, starting with the first at aged 11, followed by 24 years of going between starving myself and binge eating. And then there are all the ones that did, but only for a while, and only for as long as the deprivation of continuing with the diet that got me there, and invariably it came back with a few extra lb just for the fun.
I kept thinking I needed to eat less and exercise more, that I was weak and just lacking willpower and motivation. Ugh so many years spent thinking I just needed more willpower and motivation. But it turns out that as I started to eat more and move less, and the weight starting coming off.
So it was everything and nothing to do with the food, if that makes sense to you :). No worries it won’t be the first time I don’t make sense, and it won’t be the last (smile).
The sharing, and I am really talking about the writing, is the same principle, the sky is parting and I am seeing this clearly now as I approach the culmination of this 40 day writing (self) challenge.
I am also coming up on week 13 of being in (kidney) pain. It has been a long haul, and truly i thought this was a 2-3 week ordeal, and it has (so far) been a season long. Argh, what lessons this summer of pain has whispered into my life. Including ones around writing and sharing. It’s been a laser like season getting clear about what I really want, and what I think I want but don’t really.
Pain gives us a lot of time with our minds, In the past this was not necessarily a good thing for me, but today, after 19 years of meditation practice, it’s been a gift to spend time in my mind.
It’s time to plunge into my pool of self doubt and loathing, the days of toe dipping are done, it’s time to go in, but, and here is the meat of (my) lesson, I don’t have to plunge in. It doesn’t have to create a big splash. And of course these are the lessons standing out for me right now, perhaps you are going through similar so don’t think these just belong to me.
Some people like a big splash, I personally do not, I really hate (a word I used very rarely) water splashing in my face, so the idea of jumping into something with a big splash is like some form of aversion therapy for me, it makes me want to run for the hills and never return. I like my encounters with water to be slow and graceful.
Since my first visit to Harbin Hot Springs 16 years this very weekend, I have come to love sitting in cold water pools, preceded by wither a hot plunge pool or sauna. I do not plunge into the cold water, I move slowly immersing myself more and more until my shoulders are under water, and then I become a rock.
It is a most magikal feeling, and the clearest of meditations, ha, try thinking of much else but adjusting to the cold water when you find yourself immersed in a cold plunge pool.
So, I don’t have to suddenly commit to writing every day for 3 hours. This too will have me wanting to run for the hills, but I am also ready to take the next steps.
I had no idea this was coming out tonight, ha, the lessons just tumble out every time we take a step. There have been many days in these past 38 days that I have either not wanted, not had time, or lacked the motivation, to write, and yet, I have. Every single day.
I’ve had so much resistance along the way, and then once I decide and open the laptop, it comes out. Perhaps not as I want them, perhaps not even about what I want to say, perhaps perhaps perhaps, but whatever perhaps crop up along the way, I have pressed publish every single day. And there have been lessons along the way. So many lessons, and some blessings too, but I digress too far, that’s another post in the making.
So writing (for me) is like my weight loss journey (which continues to my last breath), it has nothing to do with actual time, and everything to do with how I spend that time, or more accurately, what I share in that time.
Everything is a process, and none more than our own evolution. So here I am, stepping one more step in my own evolution, thank you for being a safe place for me to share this, even though it always makes my heart miss a beat to get so raw, immediate thoughts of what if I fail come up, and of course, it might not happen the way I see or plan it, but to listen to my own words, nothing I do is a failure, and certainly no one failure defines me as one. At least my head knows this lesson, my heart takes some reminding.
And all along I am reminded of the Rumi quote above
If all you can do is crawl, start crawling_Rumi
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I am sitting here or rather laying here, in my underwear, on the sofa, fan circulating warm air (it has been triple digits for the 3rd day), and I am three days away from the lithotripsy treatment to blast this stone that is causing so much pain. It’s been a journey of staying present and not getting ahead of myself.
Me, the sofa, and my heat pad, have been an inseparable trio these past 13 weeks, sometimes the car feels good, and Cemaaj makes ma a hot water bottle, it’s different strokes for sure. But during all of this, and with the (self) challenge to contend with each day, I have time and space to re-set my compass, to sift through what really matters and what does not.
I don’t have to make big leaps, I did that the day I walked out of the life I thought I was supposed to live to step into one completely unknown. Today I can move slowly and gracefully toward the change I want to make, and make no mistake, there can be tremendous force harnessed in slow and graceful, and like losing weight, writing and just about everything else in life, it’s not what we do but the way we do it that matters.
It’s not big huge bangs that I (we) need to make along the way, celebrating small steps win every time when combined with time, and getting up when we fall down, over and over again. Falling down is part of the process, and every fall is one step closer to success.
Where this leaves me tonight is open to seeing what is next in this sharing journey. After making over 700 YouTube videos, I recognize the process of evolution that starts off resistant and awkward, and with time becomes much more graceful, and even fun,
I’m in the awkward, toddler falling down phase, of this side of my journey. This is perhaps my deepest desire and also the one I am most afraid of.
Even typing these words makes me want to ask ,my fingers to stop what they are doing and press the back button until…until what…until I put them all back down inside again…I don’t think they are going to let me. They are making their moves on me, this is how they do it, they come tumbling through my fingers, and now we have blogs and social media, this often means they tumble themselves out in public.
And amidst all of this thought I come to rest in the present moment, it’s been a season of learning how to (best) get through the day and pain that came along the way. So tonight I am laying here, in my underwear, my penultimate post post, a little awe-struck by what I have shared, whilst also being quite fine with it, Right now my priority is my kidney and listening to the messages along the way.
As the Chinese proverb reminds us, be not afraid of going slow, only of standing still.
How about you? Where do you want to step forward but think it’s not possible, for whatever reason? Chances are your mind has you in a wrangle, just like mine did, and often still does. And it likely has you thinking you need to have it all figured out to take the next step. But that’s not true.
One step at a time does it every time. If you;d like or support on a deeper level to get you moving, check out our online community of change-makers who make up Get Your Happy Back 40 Day reSet for Body, Mind + Spirit. Season by season, we not only make change together, we do it having fun and learning about how our unique minds work when we are trying to change our habits.
Sending love to you always in all ways. Carpe diem my love, but before you do make sure you;re doing what you really want and not what you think you should want, they could be oceans apart. Love love love.
Sat nam